Back in 2019 I wrote an article entitled 10 Lessons from 10 Years of Marriage. Now that we have five more years under our belt, I have five more lessons. Therefore, below are 15 Lessons from 15 Years of Marriage.
#1. Watch for bids of attention.
Emotionally healthy people do not scream for attention. Instead, they make small bids for attention. We are all in a constant state of feeling out our relationships; wondering if people are watching, noticing, and caring. So we drop hints, hoping others will pick up on the hint and take interest in our life.Your spouse will do this, too. A random comment like “The sun finally came out” is a bid to talk. Grabbing your hand is a bid for connection. An oversized sigh is a bid for you to ask a question. Watch for bids of attention.
#2. Don’t overcorrect family of origin issues.
Nobody enters marriage with a clean slate. We all start our relationships with baggage from our family of origin: baggage like insecurity, impulsivity, avoidance, anxiety, and triggers. After the newlywed phase is over, we start unpacking our luggage!
As you grow more aware of the bad habits that you have inherited from your family of origin, be careful not to overcorrect. Perhaps you are naturally aggressive; don’t overcorrect with passivity. Perhaps your parents overemphasized work; don’t overcorrect and neglect teaching your kids strong work ethics. We humans like to swing the pendulum of our problems from one extreme to the next. Recognize when you do, and try not to overcorrect.
#3. Growing old together means changing together.
Fifteen years ago, when Anna and I wed, I was twenty-one years old. Fast forward fifteen years and you’ll observe numerous career transitions, two graduate degrees, two children, and three moves across the country. That is a lot of life experience.I have become a completely different person. And my wife is a different person, too. Couples that grow old together are also changing together. Change is exciting; change is hard. Take steps to grow closer, not farther apart, as you both change.
#4. Lower tension with humor.
People are frustrating. And you are a “people,” too. So is your spouse. Moments of tension will come and go frequently in your marriage. 
A key skill in conflict management is de-escalation. Sometimes conflict has to be escalated, so stay in the fight if it’s an important one. But the little stuff? De-escalate with humor so it doesn’t become big stuff. Childishly sticking your tongue out or quoting a rom-com movie can work wonders by bringing a smile to your spouse’s face and easing tension.
#5. Keep reading marriage books together.
When Anna and I got engaged, I started reading every marriage book I could get my hands on. Then, after a couple of years, I stopped. I suppose new endeavors stir up a craving in me to learn. But I have to manufacture a desire to keep learning. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Secure Love by Julie Menanno are two helpful books I’ve started this year.I made this lesson #5 because lesson #6 repeats my last article, 10 Lessons from 10 Years of Marriage. Yes, you should keep reading marriage books together. But remember, you don’t get to know your spouse in a book.
#6. You don't get to know your spouse in a book.
I’m an avid reader. Whenever faced with a new challenge, my go-to is finding new books on the topic. So shortly after marrying my new bride, I devoured every book I could find on marriage. Most books I found tended to reword the same information and repackage the same stereotypes.Before long, I was treating Anna like all the books said I was supposed to treat her. I assumed that she had the same needs, the same thoughts, the same habits, and the same desires as the women all those authors talked about. But she doesn’t! I’ll never forget the day Anna said, “I’m not those women! You have to get to know me, not them.”
Marriage books are helpful. But nothing replaces the need to get to know your spouse the old fashioned way: time together.
#7. Hardly anything good about marriage comes naturally; it requires a lot of time and effort.
Marriage is great. I love being married! But I have to work hard at it. If I always acted out what came naturally, I would be much more grumpy, short-tempered, and demanding. A good marriage requires a lot of sacrifice, service, and practice.Whether it’s parenting together, balancing your budget, determining family values, or a good sex life, everything about marriage requires practice and effort. It doesn’t happen “naturally.”
#8. Assume the best. 
Every married couple has arguments and gets frustrated with one another. You don’t always see eye to eye and you have to live together even on your worst days. 
When your partner is frustrating you, remember this: He/She is not a jerk. You probably are just misunderstanding each other. Try putting yourself in their shoes and ask “How do they see this from their perspective?”
#9. Just spend the money.
When things are tight, I'm tempted to not invest money in my relationship - anniversary gifts, date nights, trips away - but every time I just book that hotel or click the “buy now” button, I'm always glad I did.Some of our favorite memories are from family trips to Great Wolf Lodge, overnight getaways to San Antonio, dining at the top of Reunion Tower in Dallas, or watching a broadway in Manhattan. All of these experiences made me cringe before handing over the bank card. But looking back at pictures, and laughing about the memories, made it worth the expense.
Don’t act extravagantly. Live within your means (or even better - below your means!). But every now and then just spend the money.
#10. Share everything.
One key ingredient in good relationships is time. Talk about everything with your spouse. Share your frustrations, joys, memories, stories, fears, anticipations, and such with them.The more you get to know each other, the closer you’ll become.
#11. Nobody wins when you play communication games.
All of us on occasion play communication games. Instead of admitting when we are frustrated, or saying what we need to say, we try indirectly getting our point across. I’ve certainly been known to use sarcasm, verbal jabs, silent treatment, subtle hints, and avoidance when disappointed. 
Stupid communication games like that never work. Even if you end up getting what you want, it’s because your partner feels guilty or pressured or just annoyed with your behavior. Indirect approaches always make matters worse; they never get your point across. Communicate plainly and fairly!
#12. Build up your spouse in front of others.
Whenever someone feels insecure or unsure of themselves, they tend to use their words to build themselves up… and tear others down in the process. One reaction is to talk negatively about other people to take the focus off of themselves. Tearing down other people in order to make yourself look better is ironically unattractive.Build up your spouse in front of others. Few things can boost your partner’s self-esteem than speaking highly of them in public.
#13. Friendship > Romance.
Every marriage needs both romance and friendship. If you aren’t friends, your marriage will be pretty dull. If you aren’t attracted to each other, you’ll end up just being buddies who happen to share a bedroom. 
While your relationship requires both, friendship has to be the priority. If you aren’t friends with your spouse, the romance will begin to fade. Being able to laugh with each other, joke around, share hobbies, and have fun hanging out is key to keeping romance alive.
There’s nothing quite like being in love with your best friend; and there’s nothing quite like being loved by your best friend.
#14. Let the little annoyances go; but never let the big stuff fester.
Every human on this planet has an annoying habit, quirk, or mannerism. Furthermore, each of us acts impulsively on occasion. Or says something insensitive. Or forgets something important. Or does something selfish. If your spouse commits a little annoyance, just let it go. It’s not worth your energy to make them feel guilty or apologize for something minor.On the other hand, it is definitely worth your energy to bring up the big stuff. If your spouse does or says or ignores something that deeply hurts you, you had better speak up and confront the situation. Otherwise, all the little annoyances will become magnified and drive you nuts.
#15. Thank God for your spouse everyday.
This tip sounds cliche. But I promise it did not come from a Hallmark card. It comes from years of practicing. 
There will be days when you don’t want to thank God for your spouse. There will be days when you ask God why He brought you two together; days when you tell God you are frustrated with your spouse. However, marriage is a gift. So thank God for the happiness you feel when marriage is great. Thank God for His sanctifying work, forcing you to be more patient and understanding when marriage isn’t great. And thank Him for peace and predictability and marriage is steady and, perhaps, mundane.