Avoid, Adopt, or Altar?
Three Options for Confronting a Toxic Culture
Little River
I grew up in eastern North Carolina, “in the sticks.” As a teenager, my folks built a house in the middle of nowhere, and my stepdad set out to “tame” the land—chasing critters, chopping trees, and cleaning up the river.Sometimes beavers dammed the river, flooding the woods and trapping trash. One day he took me to clear a dam. I hated the idea: mosquitos, spiders, leeches, the stench of stagnant water and garbage. Still, I pulled on chest-high waders and gloves and stepped in. We tossed sticks aside, ripped out weeds, dragged trash to the bank.
When we climbed out, I peeled off the waders and realized I was still clean. No mud, no leeches—just a little sweat from the work. That day I learned: you can clean up a mess without becoming a mess.
That’s the challenge of toxic cultures—especially for people of faith. Surrounded by “it is what it is” and “that’s just how things work around here,” we’re still called to step into the mess and help change it, without letting it change who we are.
Living in a Dysfunctional Culture
Do you ever feel stuck in a dysfunctional culture—polarized, hostile, and fragmented? Or surrounded by superficiality, instant gratification, and “you do you” morality? Many of us face dysfunctional homes, office politics, toxic classmates, and constant manipulation. So how do Christians clean up the culture without the culture sticking to us—how do we pull apart the “toxic dams” around us without our boots getting muddy or our hands dirty?2 Samuel begins with a bloody war between the dynasties of David and Saul. We see battle, bloodshed, civil war, rival generals, politics, deception, manipulation, triangulation, and gaslighting. Most of them grew up worshiping, singing psalms, offering sacrifices, hearing scripture—but that was “Sabbath life.” In “real life,” triangulation, manipulation, and bloodshed are just how things work. They are products of a sinful culture, and they reinforce it in how they live.
Except one man: David. He is counter‑cultural. As the long, messy war drags on, everyone gets blood on their hands—except David. He steps into the mess and still shows us you can clean up a mess without becoming a mess.
Following are three options for confronting a toxic culture.
Option 1: Avoid Culture — The Way of Ishbosheth
Avoidance is Ishbosheth’s specialty. He is a noodle‑back king in a leadership mess.While war rages between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner is “making himself strong” in Saul’s house. Ishbosheth finally confronts him over Saul’s concubine, accusing him of betrayal (2 Samuel 3:6–8). Whether the charge is true or not, the dynamic is clear: Ishbosheth is a weak leader; Abner is an underhanded, manipulative power player.
In chapters 3–4, Ishbosheth does only two things: he passively lets his general do whatever he wants, and he takes a nap he never wakes up from. He is passive and sleepy—“Man of Shame” (the literal Hebrew translation of his name)—the king of avoidance.
“Ishbosheth could not answer Abner another word, because he feared him” (2 Samuel 3:11). That is leadership by avoidance: refusing to engage the mess, confront problems, or take responsibility.
We feel this pull too. It is easier to ignore the dysfunction in our homes, to dodge office politics, to stay out of church conflicts, to ghost difficult people. Sometimes you do have to walk away for safety or sanity. But when avoidance becomes our default mode, the mess doesn’t disappear. We leave others to deal with it, and the toxicity, triangulation, and manipulation only grow.
Option 2: Adopt Culture — The Way of Joab
If Ishbosheth avoids the culture, Joab adopts it. He is a product of his culture.After Ishbosheth’s weak confrontation, Abner crosses enemy lines to make a covenant with David, promising to “bring over all Israel” (2 Samuel 3:12). It looks like the civil war might finally end. Then the family mess erupts.
Joab, David’s commander, hears that Abner—who killed his brother Asahel in battle—is now making peace. Joab is furious and plots revenge. He secretly lures Abner back, pulls him aside as if to talk, and murders him “for the blood of Asahel his brother” (2 Samuel 3:26–27).
This is the logic of adoption: “You killed my brother; prepare to die.” It’s a bloody world, so I guess I need blood on my hands. It’s a muddy world, so I guess I need mud on my boots.
Saul mastered triangulation. Abner was skilled at manipulation. Joab knew how to bite and fight like the best of them. “This is just the way things work around here,” they might say. “If you want to survive and advance, this is what you do. This is the culture.”
We face the same temptation. Everyone cuts corners at work, so why shouldn’t you? Everyone gossips and gaslights in your friend group, so why not play along? However, just because the system is broken doesn’t mean you have to be. When we adopt the mess, we become part of the problem. We take on the toxicity, participate in manipulation and triangulation, and help perpetuate the dysfunction.
Option 3: Alter Culture — The Way of David
David chooses a different path: alteration. He doesn’t avoid the culture like Ishbosheth, and he doesn’t adopt it like Joab. He is counter‑cultural.In this story, David consistently acts with integrity. He seeks peace, uses diplomacy to end the civil war, and refuses to play the usual political games. The clearest window into his character comes in his response to Abner’s murder:
David orders Joab and the people to tear their clothes, put on sackcloth, and mourn. He himself walks behind Abner’s bier, weeps at his grave, and composes a public lament (2 Samuel 3:31–34). He even refuses to eat until sundown as an act of grief and protest. The people notice, and “it pleased them, as everything that the king did pleased all the people” (2 Samuel 3:36).
This is also the first time the narrator explicitly calls him “King David.” Up to this point he has been anointed and called king by others, but now the story itself recognizes him as king—and repeats the title. At last, Israel has a leader who does not simply mirror the surrounding culture.
Saul and Ishbosheth were warnings fulfilled: Israel had become “like all the nations,” with leaders shaped by the same toxic norms. David is different. As “a man after God’s own heart,” he becomes the moral measuring rod for future kings. He is not perfect, but he is transparent, ethical, and faithful. He is willing to get into the mud of leadership, yet he emerges with clean hands and dry boots.
David shows us what it looks like to alter culture from within. He steps into a world of bloodshed, manipulation, and gaslighting without letting that world redefine his character or his God. He teaches us that you can influence a toxic culture without letting its toxicity stick to you.
How Can I Influence Without Sacrificing My Faith?
David wrestles with the same questions we all face:- How do I influence a toxic culture without letting it change me?
- How do I speak up without losing my character?
- How do I engage problems without compromising my integrity?
- How do I stay faithful in a culture of toxicity, triangulation, and manipulation?
- How do I clean up the mess without getting mud on my boots or blood on my hands?
You can clean up a mess without becoming a mess.